Euphori-Lock Combination

When I was a child, my father who a was a brilliant physician, used to sneak down to the large family freezer and eat the half-gallon size ice cream container down to the last possible bite. Then he would deliberately and with malice aforethought, place the empty container back into the freezer after inserting one of his business cards with his office hours and phone number stamped on it inside. As far as I can remember, he never showed a shred of remorse for his selfish indulgence, even if he was forced to buy a larger size trousers and/or belt every once in a while.

Do not misunderstand. There was never even a momentary doubt as to who the culprit was, but my father’s actions did force the rest of the family to become more creative in where we hid the family’s real jewels.

Without giving away any family secrets, the Euphori-Lock Combination by Ben and Jerry have addressed the pressing (against thighs) need to keep one’s ice cream along with one’s politics and religious persuasions to oneself. The inspiration for the Euphori-Lock came from one of their fans who wrote to tell them of his personal torment over his very private pint of Rocky Road ice cream. In whispers, he spoke of his overwhelming fear that his roommates would eat it all before he could get home. His obsession was so bad that he couldn’t concentrate on his schoolwork and he had trouble sleeping leaning against the closed refrigerator door.

The Euphori-Lock Combination has been around for about two years now, and has insured its immortality by successfully easing the troubled and carbohydrate-infused minds of its staunchest users. It is a strong security ring that slips around the tub’s upper lid, and its comes complete with its own top-secret security code, which will unlock it at will. (It might be a good idea although this action is not suggested in the enclosed instructions, to find a way to swallow this code number even though it does not, at least at this time, come in assorted fun flavors. (Hush, hush! Need I say more?)

This chastity ice cream belt can be yours for a mere $5.50! If you don’t have an urge to buy one of these Euphori-locks for yourself, just close your eyes and think of that “don’t touch my stuff” freak who may occasionally find his or her way onto your holiday gift list. You have found the perfect, inexpensive present for this person whom you don’t think too much of anyway.

So what are you waiting for? Calories await and the ice cream is melting fast!